2017;

This year has been the craziest rollercoaster of my life so far. You know how when you think of a year, there'll be that one major event that pretty much reminds you of it? It's the things that define the year, like "Oh, this was the year i graduated from high school (2013)," or "This was my last year in Australia (2008)." The year 2017, is the year I had my first real heartbreak. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, it really was the thing that defined my year, because it was the thing that pretty much changed me as a person. I remember starting the year with so much hope and comfort, but also a bit of anxiety. Things with my family were going to change a little this year because my dad had to go work in the United States in May. I didn't expect much else to be different other than that, and also perhaps with me starting to live on campus during my final year that was starting in September.

I'll tell you this: I went through 2017 as four different people. The me today, is a whole different person from the me at the beginning of the year. The other two people were the stages I went through to reach where I am today. I remember being so happy and in love during the first three months. It was the first time in a long time (perhaps even since ever) that I had started making real, serious plans for my future, because having a partner in your life does that to you. You start seeing yourself settling in a certain place with them, building your children's lives together, choosing career paths that will help shape your dreams and feed your family. I remember traveling to the UK with two of my best friends, feeling a glimpse of independence and freedom and being surrounded by possibilities for my future. I remember celebrating birthdays and spending fun late nights with meaningful friends, people who i truly believed were going to be a part of my life for a very long time. I was just a really happy person during the first trimester of the year. At some point it did feel too good to be true. I couldn't possibly be THIS happy without any cost. Maybe the happiness made me forget to be grateful, i don't know.

The next three months were the most devastating. April was such a difficult month, it was when my relationship faced a rough time, and things didn't work out. I think the breakup happened at the end of April, and it was the saddest surprise of the year. My ex had a way of reassuring me of our future, so i never had to worry about altering my plans with him. I did not see the breakup coming, not at all. I remember the very moment when my mind went completely blank and I was thinking "what now?". It was the most lost I've ever felt. May was the month that I was just trying to keep myself together because I had exams coming up and I was getting ready to fly to the States for the next three months. It was such a tough month to get through, but I made it (oh and i got a nose piercing lmao). Then off I went to Washington, DC, heartbroken with an identity crisis.

I can't say that I healed a lot while I was away. You don't really heal much with one-way distractions like binge-watching TV series and reading books. I don't think I really talked very much in June-August, being away from my friends and not having the most sociable family. I was silent most of the time. I want to say I did a lot of thinking, but I had mostly avoided it. Thinking about my breakup made me sad, so I didn't think about it very much. I read a lot of poetry books to read about heartbroken people's thoughts instead of having my own, which did help a little bit. The hardest thing to deal with was mostly getting used to waking up every day with a void in my heart. There were many nights spent trying to fall asleep till 3 or 4 in the morning. I worried a lot about coming back and not knowing how things were going to be. I distracted myself by having a new obsession: makeup. Boy, I bought a LOT of makeup while I was there. My dad brought my sister and I on a road trip along the West Coast (California) and some other amazing places. Traveling was as tough as it was fun. I was reminded of my ex a lot during the trip, because he loves to travel and at every beautiful spot I wish I could tell him how breathtaking it was, knowing he would have appreciated it. But at the same time, I was amazed by the places I went to and even by the people I came across. It made me feel a spark of wanderlust and independence. For the first time ever, I had considered living alone in a country like the US and building my career there. Feeling very adventurous, I had a strong urge to migrate and travel alone. I didn't really miss home. Home stopped existing when he left, and I was longing to find a new one far away.

Anyway, the trip was life-changing in a way that it made me WANT to get out of my comfort zone. I WANTED to grow out of this shell of familiarity and do new things. I knew I was nearly about to go back to Malaysia, and I was actually very excited. I wanted to slay my grades for third year and graduate with first class honours. I wanted to be disciplined with coursework and lecture notes and do well in everything. Oh and I was excited to try out Tinder as well lol, i couldn't use it in the US (I tried it for 2 weeks and got bored HAHA). September went by, and mostly I spent my time catching up with my close friends and preparing myself for my final year living on campus.

The last three months of the year were the best. I got so busy with so many activities. I tried out a lot of new things; I got a part-time job at a bookstore, I joined Silat, I was the head of a committee for a fundraising event, I managed MYBBM's Secret Pumpkin, i attended every lecture and completed all my coursework with flying colours, I met up with close friends pretty much every week and got to go on mini roadtrips, I was in the committee for Bookish Day Out. Damn, I was so busy, and I freaking enjoyed every minute of it. I had no time to even read books, and I didn't mind at all. I met a lot of new people and hardly got socially drained, I even wondered if i had become an extrovert. I attended my first ever concert in November (Ed Sheeran's!), which blew my mind away. I made new amazing friends, I got closer to my old ones. I could notice myself laughing again, I could see myself smile and enjoy the good moments. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows of course, I did have some bad nights, but they were easier to deal with. I also started to write a lot of poetry to help me with my healing, and at one point I was hooked on to the idea of publishing my writing into a book. I started working on it more seriously, discussing about it with close friends and getting help from talented people. It's now one of the most exciting things I'm looking forward to doing in 2018.

I was four different people this year: the one blindly in love, the one who was hopelessly heartbroken, the lost one searching for herself, and the one I am now. I am entering 2018 as a different person. I am a lot more confident in myself, I'm more independent, and I'm more of a realist. People who don't know me well aren't happy with how i've changed, but those who are close to me are proud of the person I've grown into (and am still growing to become). A lot of people have helped me with my healing, they've given me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, wise advice, perspective, support and more love than I deserve. My parents have also been a part of it in their own subtle ways, by allowing me the room to make my own decisions and mistakes. I don't think I'm anywhere near being the best version of myself, but I can say with confidence that I'm heading towards it. My best friend told me that she thought I was at my lowest while I was with my ex. I couldn't see it back then, but now i think she was right. This wasn't his fault whatsoever, it was my own choices that made me settle and remain in the comforts of familiarity. I became very insecure, which was one of the things that i think disrupted my relationship. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm glad the breakup happened, but I can appreciate what I've grown into because of it. Right now I just want to be the best version of myself I could possibly be. I'm not sure what I feel about love at the moment, but I know I have no room for it right now. Nobody deserves to be with me until I'm the best version, and that makes me not want to settle for anyone until they're the best version of themselves too.

Alhamdulillah for 2017. So many things will be different in 2018, and i'm hoping it will be a year of constant growth and self-love. I'm ready for the new year and I plan to slay my way through it. You're more than welcome to watch me :)