defining success, on my own terms

Big dreams, spectacular ambitions, well-thought-of plans. The very things i lack, but not the things I am honestly concerned about. I personally know quite a number of people who have these things. They're people who want to make a change, and are actually putting in the efforts to make it happen. They're exceptionally ambitious, and know exactly what they want and what they need to do to get it. Well, good for them.

I respect those people very highly, but I am not one of them. And maybe, maybe i don't want to be.

I've realised recently that I am just living casually and i'm doing random things that i feel like doing, and i am actually happy about it. Sometimes when people ask me what i've been doing for the past week and everything, i don't know why but i always answer generally like "oh nothing much" and as i answer, a part of me is ashamed for being seen as a useless, unproductive person. Asking them in return, they would answer impressive things like going to leadership programs and meeting influential people and doing this and doing that and basically they are things I probably should be doing too.

But really, who determines what a 'successful' person should be like? I felt ashamed at some point for not having big dreams and not wanting to do those productive things. But really, my only reason for that is because of what people would think of me. I think i did pretty well in school, and was able to show people that i had the potential to do a lot of great things if i really wanted to, and if i really put my heart and efforts into it. I think i could.

But i don't want to.

 Perhaps i did at one point of my life, and perhaps i will again someday, but not today. Not now. I don't want to be somebody people think i can be. I don't want to be somebody i know i can be if i really tried, because deep in my heart it wouldn't be sincere. And when i'm not sincere, i'm not happy.

"Is being happy such a big deal? Isn't the real happiness in the afterlife, once we've made it through the obstacles in this current life which would make it all worth it?"

I feel like that's something i would be asked if i openly admitted that i just want to be happy. I know that i do have the responsibility as a human being to contribute something to the world, that i do need to play some sort of role and somehow be significant. But i don't think i have to do it in the ways people would expect me to. I believe eventually with all the things that i do, no matter how useless or insignificant they may seem, I will find a way to be useful. I will find a way to play my part, in a way that doesn't make me sacrifice what i'm not willing to, and still be able to make it though. When the challenges come, I will willingly(or unwillingly) welcome it, and try to put my full trust in Allah to guide me through it. 

I don't know how to just make myself WANT to have big dreams and goals. It's not exactly something you can force yourself to want if you've created a barrier for yourself. Maybe im just making excuses or whatever, but i just don't have that desire right now. I'm fine with average. I'm happy with just comfortable. It may seem stupid and mediocre, but I'M defining what success is for myself. I don't want to feel ashamed to admit that to someone when I'm asked what my dreams are. What may seem like small, petty goals and dreams to others might hold a deep meaning to me. 

It's pretty frustrating, living in a world that demands and pressures everyone to be 'successful'. It would be completely splendid if the road towards success wasn't widely viewed as needing to be somebody with great leadership skills, can speak up to the public, can get straight A's in their exams, can get fancy jobs, be at the top, and all of those other benchmarks that supposedly make up somebody significant in society. Those criteria are undeniably outstanding, and really would make your life much easier at an early point. Personally though, i'm tired of it. I'll do what's necessary to reach a certain, comfortable point, and then i'm done.

I've become more of an introvert lately. I feel awkward and out of place when i'm around certain crowds sometimes. Even among some of my friends, i feel like i can't be around them for too long. Soon i'll get dizzy for being in their company, and all i wanna do is go home and be alone or be with my family. I didn't used to be like this. I didn't used to want to stop talking with people who talk about interesting things. I have my moments now. Heck, i would even avoid walking at crowded places if i can help it, just to avoid walking past people and debating with myself if i should smile and make eye contact or just look down, or if i should look ahead and walk faster. Pathetic, i know. But away from the strangers, being around the people i love or maybe even being alone, i am happy.

Maybe this is just a phase, maybe it isn't. Either way, I don't want to feel bad for choosing to define happiness and success on my own terms, especially if it doesn't go against the shari'ah. I know that people can't help their judgments, but it would be wonderful if we all tried to see things from other people's perspectives before we think we're better or worse than they are. This of course, is a reminder for myself and realising these things about me teaches me to try to understand other people's choices too.