faded connections

i've just realised that over the years, the things that i feel like blogging about are more or less the same kind of things. when i try to form the thoughts into actual words, they seem so familiar, like i've thought of them in the exact way before, and that i've actually typed it out in the same words in the past. it'd be cool if i could say that it's some de ja vu crap but no, i know myself better than that to admit that it's just me, experiencing the same cycle of problems that aren't even real problems to begin with.

sometimes i wonder if i should try harder to engage with other people, especially with those i claim to care about so that in the end i wouldn't feel so alone and lonely. i do have friends, and i do have a decent family. but somehow, it's so difficult to keep a flame of connection alight between us. like, i can't think of one person that i've connected to deeply enough that i would immediately go to them when i'm having these kinds of negative thoughts, to seek for advice or even just comfort. perhaps we've shared a bond once, perhaps we still are considered somewhat close but i don't know. it could have been them, it could have been me or it could have been all of us who created this unseen distance. this distance;

you'd think that living with somebody you're supposedly close with or frequently seeing someone you genuinely enjoy the company of would be more than enough to feel like you have a special person in your life; be it a friend, family or lover. perhaps it is for some people, but why do i feel that distance even when i'm sitting right next to someone i love? does that mean i don't love them? why do i feel it towards people who are across the city, across the country, or even across the world? do i not love them anymore? if feeling this distance is a measure of the fading of love, then that would mean that i do not love anyone.

perhaps that connection is temporary. perhaps it isn't meant to be strong all the time. it can grow and fade and grow again. or it can disappear forever.

i feel like i'm surrounded by all these faded connections around me. some are stronger than others, which i am thankful for but i'm afraid. i'm afraid if those strong ones would eventually turn out like the rest; old, faded, historical. having a colder heart that's more incapable of accepting new people, of creating new connections makes it harder for me to believe that any flame would be left burning at all in the end.

maybe i don't deserve to love and feel loved; to have a strong, unbreakable connection with anyone.
because there should only be one strong, everlasting connection,

and that one is struggling to stay alight too.