but here's the truth

I haven't really written about my personal life for a while, and it's because of many reasons. Mostly these days i always feel like i have something to do, and yet even when i've done those things there's always something else that i want to do. Honestly i feel like there isn't enough time in a day for me to do everything i want to do. It's not like i'm super-duper preoccupied during the day, with no gap to chill or whatever.  There's just a lot happening in its own part and altogether it seems like a lot. Okay, now i'm rambling.

Anyway, i actually started to write this post because i wanted to respond to the people who sent me messages in my blog's chatbox. Firstly, i deeply apologize for not responding to those who were asking me questions they really wanted me to answer. It's honestly not the best place to respond anyway, so i hope that if you still want your questions answered, do email me and i'll definitely respond a hundred times faster than in the chatbox :) Also, i prefer if you're not anonymous.

Next, to those who have such nice and sweet words for me, thank you. Like really, thank you SO much. It probably doesn't mean much to you or to anyone else when you tell me that i inspire you or that you like reading what i write or you like my book reviews, but to me, it means the world. It lets me feel relevant and somehow appreciated, like i'm someone who matters even if i'm not. And also, to those who backed me up when some random anon had nothing but pointless negativity in my chatbox. You guys deserve so much happiness.

Honestly, i used to get quite emotional when i got bashed. It happens quite rarely, but the first ones were the hardest because it makes me think "what the hell am i doing wrong?" to myself. But after the next few i realised that practically none of the hate are even constructive or helpful, but merely stupid and pointless. I don't wanna give those people the satisfaction that they've brought me down, because honestly they haven't done a thing. These days, i have so many wonderful things to think about that makes any of the negativity irrelevant in my life.

Speaking of negativity, there actually was a particular moment during my year that was unexpectedly heartbreaking. I lost a friend whom i thought would always try to be understanding, someone i've known for so long and have had so many experiences with. It's true when people say that it takes years to build on trust and even love, but it can take a night for it all to crumble and nothing is the same anymore. I felt betrayed. It broke me emotionally upon discovery, but then i realised that for the first time in a while, i was actually free. Free from all bullshit, free from always needing to say the right things and making myself believe it and being there for them most of the other times i was called for. I felt free, because i finally knew what they really thought about me, and it hurt so much at first but it felt so good to realise that it didn't matter. Perhaps i wasn't a good friend myself, and in that case then perhaps this was a release for them as well. But here's the truth; i can live without you.  Maybe i'm even happier now. Thank you for making me realise that.

And so then came an even bigger realisation that i'm actually a pretty cold bitch. It effects those who have expectations that i will always be there for them. Here's the truth; i won't always. As much as it pains me to admit that, i think that's the realistic truth. I can't know everything that's happening to everyone that i love, and i'm in that phase where sometimes i don't even want to know. My own happiness matters so much to me right now, it's making me selfish and inconsiderate to the people i always tried to be there for in the past. I am not the same person as i was a year ago, and definitely am not the same person as i was in high school. i don't know how i became like this, and honestly i don't really care what made it happen. I have my own priorities now, and i will be there for those who i believe are giving me equal amount of consideration.

I've taken all my photos off my wall a while ago. Yes, the one i once posted and said i'll tell my kids what happened in all the captured moments. It felt empty for the first few days, and then i didn't even notice the change anymore. Maybe when i'm a lot older i won't feel like this anymore. Maybe i'll miss everything i had.  What is it called when you no longer mind that memories just stay as memories, no longer being as meaningful? What is it called when you don't really get sentimental when something that meant so much are just pieces from your past that you don't even want back? Maybe it's called moving on. Maybe it's called growing up. Because that's what i'm doing.

I'm actually supposed to be finishing two assignments within the next few days right now, i guess i'm a bit stressed out because i really hate doing work and i wish i had the time to just do what i want to do without all the responsibilities. But other than work, i think life is actually going pretty well for me, alhamdulillah. I started an online business selling bookish jewelry with some great friends, and we're doing pretty well. I have a lot of great books i'm so excited to read, and my book club has been amazing. I met one of my favourite authors ever two days ago, which was such a fascinating experience. I already have so many plans for my long semester break in June. Three more months to go! :)