broken

you broke me. i let you break me. i am broken. i am broken. i can't even see what i'm writing through these glassy tears i am wasting on you. it took me so long, so fucking long to finally have the courage to write. you've made me so broken that i can't even face myself with my own thoughts. i've been too afraid for months to write out all my feelings, too afraid it'd all come flooding out too violently like a tsunami and that i'm too broken to hold myself together to survive through it. and i'm right. i'm a coward, i even want to run away from myself.

do you want to know what is the thought that weakens me every time? what is the memory that never fails to make me break down in tears when i am alone in the dark, what i'm thinking about when i fight the tears so that the people around me can't see me trying so hard to hide my pain?

no it is not the moment you shook your head when i asked you if you didn't love me anymore.

it is the moment i finally cried at my mum's shoulder when i told her we were over. it was how hard i sobbed, how vulnerable i felt and how after nearly a lifetime of not crying to my mum, i let her hold me, i let her rub my back as I soaked her pure telekung with my snot and tears. as i felt myself slipping away but desperately reaching for some grip in this world. as i let her comfort me with her words, telling me i shouldn't resent you, telling me i'm not losing anything worth having, telling me everything that made me feel okay and at peace for a short moment.

another moment that weakens my tear ducts was the moment after it happened, when i finally entered my car and when i couldn't remember allowing the sobbing to start. i was terrified at the sound of my own disgusting cry. as i called my best friend and let her hear it too. it was like i'd gone mad. and maybe i had.

you broke me. i know this because it's been more than two months and i am still so, so broken.

i want to hate you so bad. i want there to be a logical explanation to this pain, i want to make sense of this hurt.

i did not expect it. i did not expect you to end it because YOU FUCKING SAID THAT YOU NEVER EVEN FUCKING CONSIDERED IT. YOU SAID THAT WHEN YOU FUCKING COMMIT YOURSELF TO SOMETHING YOULL FUCKING MAKE SURE YOU SEE IT THROUGH. YOU. SAID. THAT.

and i loved you enough to believe you. i truly did. and this is why i am so broken.

you wanna know what else is so fucked up? it is the fact that after the moment when you clearly told me you no longer loved me, and when you confidently said that you didn't think you ever could again, i looked at you and i still thought you were the one for me.

i felt my life slip away in that second, like grains of sand sliding through my shaking fingers. you let me imagine my life with you, with our children, with your family. you let me imagine our home, you let me imagine reading to our kids before they sleep and making them listen to audiobooks in our stupid car. you let me think about crying with my bridesmaids at our wedding and how happy i'd be to go through hard times with you because at least we had each other. you kept telling me how complicated your life was, and how damn hard things will be for a while, and i was prepared to face it all for you, i was happy to go through it with you.

how was i not to feel lost, when you took it all away in a single moment? because it was not only you that i had to detach myself from. i had to detach myself from my best friend. i lost my best friend. i lost the person i trusted the most with my secrets and my fears and my dreams.you abandoned me. you abandoned me. i know you think it's okay because i have all these amazing, fantastic people around me who will be there for me no matter what. but it doesn't change the fact that you still abandoned me, someone you once said you loved, someone you thought was your best friend.
i had to detach myself from my best friend. i had to detach myself from the future we planned. from our future children, who was going to have such great parents because we always talked about what were the best ways to raise children. i had to detached myself from the love i've come to form for your family, for your parents who i loved because they raised you to be such a great person. From your siblings, who i couldn't wait to spend time and joke around with, even though i've never met them but i always admired how much you loved them and how protective you were. i had to detach myself from every single memory we shared together. From every place, spots i'll pass by a hundred times and have to look away from to not break all over again. I have to detach myself from that wonderful, amazing circle of friends we had, who made me feel infinite and loved and accepted. who i saw being important in our lives for a very long time. i had to detach myself from all the songs i listened to while i was with you, while i loved you. damn you for listening to so many songs. i had to detach myself from our songs. how was i not to feel lost, when i had to detach myself from who i had become since i fell in love with you?

how was i not to feel like i needed to have a big change in my life if i didn't want to completely fall apart? i couldn't bear to remain the same person who had loved you, because that person had lost her dreams. it hurt too much to stay the same.

let's not talk about the nights i hated myself for getting upset over stupid petty things. let's not talk about my regrets or my insecurities, or about being kept up at night wondering what it was about me that was too much to love, too much for you.

i wish you meant to hurt me. i wish it didn't actually pain you to need to break your promises, to need to break my heart for the reasons you claimed. Because then i'd be able to hate you. I hate that i can't even hate you for hurting me because i know you meant it every time when you said you loved me. I hate that you taught me to assume the best out of people, to try to assume good of you. because now i have to force myself to believe that this has all hurt you as much, maybe even more, than it has hurt me. That perhaps you are broken too, in your own way with your own dark thoughts and demons. That maybe it has never been about me, that somehow, somewhere along the way, you lost yourself and this was the only way you could find yourself again.


this is why i am broken. because i still can't make sense of the pain. because i know the only way i can heal is to accept it is all a part of God's plans for the both of us. because i know that if He wanted your feelings for me to vanish into non-existence, it will, no matter how hard you tried to defy it. i know this. but i am still broken. i am broken because i am in so much pain and i couldn't even have a real reason to hate you.