time travelling

That's what it feels like when I deeply try to remember the precious moments of my past. It feels like i'm travelling back through my perfect childhood, and experiencing it all over again. It may not feel exactly the same and a huge part of my current memory of everything is probably just made up of things i think i remember, but still. How can it not be like you're reliving it when you can feel the pain inside?

It's the pain of knowing the memories are just fragments of what you went through but didn't fully treasure at that time. It's the pain of wondering if you would ever feel such joy again, if anyone or anything could ever make you feel as exuberant and euphoric. But that's why it's painful; because it's only after it's all over that you realise how special those moments truly were. It's when you started to forget the details, when you started to realise the memories are starting to fade that you start to regret not paying closer attention. It's when you realise the people have moved on with their lives and probably haven't given you a second thought in years that you wonder if all the excitement and emotions you felt during those days were felt by them as well. Was I as significant in their life, at least at that time, as they were in mine, and still am? Why does it feel like i'm travelling alone?

I guess it doesn't matter. Growing up is the most painful thing i've ever had to experience, and the cruelest but most beautiful part about it is the part where we all move on.

Everyone has moved on from the memories, everyone can say they had a decent childhood and leave it behind them for them to focus more on the present and the future. It's cruel and excruciatingly painful, because each of those people had taken a fragment of my heart with them as they went. It's simultaneously beautiful, because if we all had not moved on then the pain wouldn't have come, and if the pain hadn't come then i wouldn't have come to the realisation that my childhood was one of the greatest gifts God had ever given to me. I wouldn't have realised how much it meant to me, and how i will always, always wish i could travel back just one more time and experience it allover again just once, and this time actually treasuring every second of it.

We don't get a second chance for everything.
So make your first one count.