what is love?


when love songs are just songs with lyrics about love. when you can't seem to feel the words for anyone in particular, when you can't relate to such a pretty melody. when your heart doesn't flutter anymore at gushy cliche words meant to make you fall even more in love. when you don't know what love is anymore, when you've become dis-sensitized towards romantic lines meant for you and when you've forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, to want someone, and to look forward to a future with your significant other. i can't decide whether this is good or bad, because what if i stay like this forever, what if i'll never really love again after already knowing what it could have felt like, after being able to feel and know what it probably was? but with the feelings all faded away and the memory of it long forgotten and my heart becoming all numb and uncaring about it all, how could it suddenly one day wake up and just accept love...again?

i don't know what love is anymore, and i'm not sure if i want to know and whether i should know. it does get hard sometimes, when you look at your friends and your family all seeming like they have found their soulmate and expressing how beautiful being in love can be. it does get hard when you're reading a book or watching a movie that has a pair you're shipping together and you just gush over what they have and THAT is the closest thing you're feeling to being in love; when you're wishing you could have that but you don't know who to imagine it all with. when you scroll down twitter or instagram with photos of adorable couples with #relationshipgoals or #marriagegoals or whatever effing goal that is love related, when all you can do is retweet or like it or comment on it but really that's all you can do because hoping for it hurts. it's painful to have those goals in mind because it's like having expectations and really i'm sick of having expectations especially when it comes to love.

does it get lonely? yes. a part of me regrets any past relationship or friendships with "mutual feelings" and whatever history love-related i have ever had, because now i have set a bar for love and i have felt things i'm not sure i could ever feel again. feelings really can fade, no matter how strong you think they were at that time, no matter how much you believed in it that it will effing last in this lifetime. and now, now i'm left with myself, guarding my heart from whatever is disguising itself as love but probably is just another mistake i'll again regret. most of my days i'm happy and content that im practically single, but during random occasions the loneliness strikes and that's when im hating everything about love again because i don't have it, because i'm not in love and sometimes, sometimes i wish that i was.

another part of me regrets nothing. that part of me is thankful i knew a glimpse of what it felt like, so that i know that it's all worth it and i'd be able to keep it special with the right person when he finally comes. im glad to have known that it really is possible for me to be loved, for someone to care about me deeply, for me to admit that i was once in love and i know what it is i'm waiting for. although sometimes i'm confused whether it was real or if it was just some naive mistake, it was still something i considered as special and beautiful.

the cruel thing about feelings fading away is how the memories do too. moments are forgotten, words have turned meaningless, and promises all broken as if they were never made. if this happens, that's when you know you've completely moved on from the person you thought you loved.


love.
i'm the one pushing it away.
i'm the one breaking my own heart.
it hurts no matter what i do. even if i'm telling myself that i'm leaving it all up to God to decide for me and all i need to do is constantly pray that one day it comes when it's supposed to and if something is meant to be, that it will be. it hurts because its not in my capability to feel that confident for every second of my conscious moments. at one point, its hard to not stop and wonder if it really will happen, because the reality is that it just isn't happening at the moment. whether if it is the question of fully trusting God or not with these things, it's still a struggle that i'm sure a lot of people go through. it really is a test of faith, and sometimes i'm doing okay but sometimes it's just hard to stay strong about it. i am a human, i'm strong sometimes but sometimes i break, i break and i'm broken and then i'm alive and strong again. it's a cycle.

so i'll go back to the romance books and movies and songs and i'll keep wondering when it's my turn. i'll keep not caring at times and wishing i'm the one in love at other times. i'll wait for you for as long as my heart is willing to, and i'll leave it up to Him to destine us together if you are right for me and if i am right for you. for now, we will never know but we can hope and pray and work towards it. it may hurt sometimes when it doesn't seem like it will work out but the hurt will be worth it if it means you'll be with who youre supposed to be with, and if it means i'll be with who i'm destined for. if it is with each other, then i hope, hope and hope my heart can feel love again and be fair to you and love you unconditionally because you deserve nothing less. even if i do love you right now, i don't know how i can promise to hang on when feelings are bloody uncontrollable and all my past has taught me is how my feelings can change.

for now, lets let love play out for everyone else as we wait and wonder what it could mean for us. let me write this pointless post that makes little sense even to myself and let me fix myself, my life and my heart before i rediscover love; this time the real, true and blessed kind that lasts forever.




p.s. listen to Is This Thing On? on my blog playlist

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if a house is made from a thousand bricks, then let me be one of those bricks, to help keep the house together, to make a significant difference.

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Kamalia has read 15 books toward her goal of 50 books.
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