i just want to meet you now




My heart was once opened, and for quite a while. It was young, fresh and naive. It let whoever tried to get in to just enter and i guess at one point i thought it was real love. I thought it was real every time, with everyone i once gave my heart to.

My heart is closed now, and its been closed for quite a while. It's older, wiser and built with stronger walls. I thought i knew what real love was, but how could it have been real if it all fell apart and now we all act as if it never even happened? I think i'm the cause and the reason behind all the break-ups. I'm the one who ended all of it, because it never felt right after some time.

And now i am tired. I am tired of trying to discover if love could be real after all. I get lonely, a lot. I rarely open up to anyone anymore. I've trained my heart to remain strong enough not to let anyone leave a deep mark on it. If anyone tries to leave a mark on it, it barely stays and could even fade away into nothing.

I do feel ashamed for my past, of letting others love me when i can't return the same love back anymore. Maybe i don't even know what love is supposed to be, but i feel too scared and guilty to find out.

Scared because i could never really know if it's real, especially at this age. Guilty because i'm still so young to feel the longing sense to be with my soulmate while there are so many other more important things in the world to think and worry and care about.

There's always this dilemma too. The dilemma of not letting anyone in because of the societal perception and taboo of how disgracing the act of loving someone before the bond of marriage is. I've always wanted to be a good person, and i guess because of a portion of the society's conservative beliefs i'm afraid to ruin a 'good' image of myself. Not that i care much about my image for myself particularly, it's more because i realise that there are quite a few people out there who look up to me, and i don't want to ruin their expectations or mislead them to think something is okay when it probably isn't. I don't want anyone to misunderstand my actions.

But again, i get lonely. I get lonely, but i don't to just talk to anyone. All i want is to meet the right person. I don't want to fall for anyone that's not going to be 'the one'. I don't want to be falsely in love again. I don't want to hurt nor be hurt.

I just want to meet you now, my dear soulmate.
At least to tell me that you're on your way, that you're real and that you'll be here soon.

I just need more patience.

10 comments:

  1. i get lonely too you know. books are actually my escape. i takes me away from focusing on things in real life, which is sometimes bad because some books would make me want to meet that special one even more. but then i decided to get married to my dreams, and at that instant i realized that there are SOOOO MANY THINGS TO DO in order to achieve my dreams i don't have time for a boy. but when it starts to take a toll on me, i get tired, and that's when the feeling is even stronger...

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  2. Assalaam o alaikum wr wb!
    Allah Ta'ala is in the broken hearts of His believers. <3 everytime you feel broken, you will find that nothing gives absolute solace as praying, making sincere heartfelt duaa or reading the Quran does.
    What's more? When Allah ta'ala is the maalok ul Mull, He can make miracles happen then He is also the being who can put Love for us in other people's hearts, as is in the hadith that when Allah loves so and so and He tells Angel Jibrael as) to love them too... The endpoint of which is that Allah then places Love in other people and creations' hearts for that person whom Allah loves so dearly. This is that person who has recognized that Allah swt is the sole focus of their love.
    So, if you've found Allah and fallen in love with Him, then you can rest assured Allah will take care of your heart and everything related to you in such a way that you'll see miracles happen in sha Allah! <3
    Take care my dear sister in islam, may Allah make all ur trials easier and may He make all our difficulties a means to come closer to Him <3

    Www.islamicspirituality.org
    (My teacher's website)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Read ur post. Well writen english.
    Care to visit me too yeah
    A
    mirahazza.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Nad:
    i feel ya. books are my escape too, though of course its also quite depressing when the story has to end, and when there are perfect characters i happen to fall in love with that unfortunately arent real, and probably set my expectations in a guy too high haha.
    i think one difference between us two is that i for one, am not sure of what my dreams are. im too scared to explore because i hate the scary gap of possibility that i can't achieve something that's currenly so far ahead. so im very used to not having very big dreams. its bad i know, but i guess thats why i feel like a lot is missing from my life. sometimes im happy im not wasting my time for a boy but yep like u agreed to as well, it gets lonely.
    but like, eventually the feeling fades and the depression ceases so its very occasional that i feel this way anyway heheh.
    im trying my best to find happiness in better, more relevant things at this age i guess :) hope we both will stay strong nad <3

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  5. @Anonymous: Thank you sister. This is beautiful, im very touched that you shared this with me. Just reading it gives me some sort of peace, masyaAllah. I'll always read this every time i feel this way to remind myself. Thank you, may Allah always bless you <3

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  6. I feel you and understand you more than you think. i've "suffered" through alot not just related to what was said, but in nearly every aspect of my life. never feeling like anyone really understood whats going on with me. yet somehow you do. and i think i understand now why i always manage to have a smile on my face with you.
    that "something" about you, i think i finally understand it, and even though our time has passed, there still might be a future.
    you make me smile because of how perfectly imperfect you are, and i admire that, and i saw that since that first time i saw you. and now i understand.

    hold strong Kamalia dear,

    "say, nothing will ever happen to us, except for what Allah has ordained for us. He is our protector, and in Allah the believers put in their trust"
    surah at-taubah, ayat 41.

    my favorite ayat.

    i should stop before i babble too much.

    love always, Mars.
    (if you still remember me)

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  7. Me too... I've never had a lover before, but frankly I've ever had the thought of being with someone at such young age; my friends has someone special and I'm jealous... But I've realized that having a lover means that he and me must be in a halal tie... I hope Allah will grant me a good soulmate, I hope you too :)

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  8. Mars: its funny that you understand something about me that i myself have failed to grasp and discover myself. i dont know if you really do understand me more than i do or u just think u do but whichever it is, i hope that it's something good.
    i'm sorry that i've hurt you before, and thank you. for what exactly im not really sure, but i know that Allah send u into my life for a reason. i hope to realise the reason why soon.
    thanks mars,
    you hold strong too.

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  9. Hidayah: insyaAllah He will, sis. Allah is forever Fair and Loving <3

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if a house is made from a thousand bricks, then let me be one of those bricks, to help keep the house together, to make a significant difference.

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Kamalia has read 15 books toward her goal of 50 books.
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