blown by the breeze, again


I think the reason i never really know what i feel like doing nowadays is because i've trained my mind so well to not even consider thinking about the things i really want to do, but realistically can't. These kind of things include travelling the world with a friend, freely going out swimming and jogging without having to uncomfortably wear a headscarf and a long sleeved shirt, spend a week at a bookstore, go on a shopping spree without a budget, go to amazing destinations to take countless of photos and selfies, swing childlishly on monkey bars without needing to keep a modest image, try out every ice cream flavour at Baskin Robbins in a day, have a wall-painting war with someone i love, get a cool tattoo, ride a dragon, and a lot of other wishful things.

Unfortunately, many factors like money, religion, parents and society's judgment have managed to become some sort of blockade in allowing myself to acknowledge my desires and wants, in the end leaving me with nothing much that i really want to do to feel really, truly content. I'm not really sure if that's okay or not. And yes, i am aware that most of these desires are just wordly things in the dunya that are just 'illusions' from the real happiness in Jannah. But if i wasn't lying to myself just to make myself feel better, those are some of the things i want to do.

I still think i'm very lost in this world. I don't actually know what i really want to achieve, or what my role in this life is. I feel like i'm blindly floating in midair and following the breeze. Sometimes i think i'm in the right direction but another breeze comes and just blows me away from that path and then i get lost once again. Knowing that i'm particularly indecisive about probably a million things, i'm not sure i can even decide what i do want to do(that's realistic enough) because after a while i decide that i just maybe don't want to do that thing anymore.

It could easily mean that i have a short interest span(does that term even exist?) or that i get bored with certain hobbies quite easily, and it kind of bothers me that i'm like that. I guess i'm a person who hates routines but gets very lost without one. At the same time, i'm also terrible at following them, not to mention how crappy i am with self-discipline.

I don't really have a conclusion for this dilemma. I do want to fill up my holiday doing beneficial things but if/when they're not things that really interests me, i get a little demotivated to do it, hence resulting in me procrastinating and doing other things that i also don't really feel like doing. And it's all because i don't know what i really can do, that i really want to. Ugh, i'm sorry if i annoy you. I'm annoyed at myself too.

i guess we must sacrifice some of our desires for now
 for hope that in the future
 whether in this life or the next
 we'll be glad that we did.

Eid Mubarak, sorry for the late wish.

1 comments:

  1. I love this post due to its accuracy. Dont worry Malie, the sacrifices are all worth it (:

    ReplyDelete

 

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if a house is made from a thousand bricks, then let me be one of those bricks, to help keep the house together, to make a significant difference.

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