finding a reason

The varsity jacket in the picture doesn't mean anything to me yet.

It occured to me that i have no love yet for my college. People would wear the name of their school and things with pride, but in all honestly i have nothing to be proud of with Nottingham yet. I'm pretty sure it's because i've created zero opportunities for myself to contribute anything significant to the institution, but it isn't because i don't want to be useful. The clubs and societies haven't started yet, and i deeply hope that i'll be active in at least one so that i'll have a continuous drive to survive the next few years here.

When i was in Australia, the thing that kept me attached to Palmerston Primary was well, everything. My incredible teacher, my wonderful friends, the exciting days playing sports, the fantastic source of books and a million other things. I had the best childhood, and even wanted to go to school during the holidays. I got to be an SRC every year, represent my school in many sports events, got to prove myself in public speaking and leadership and a few other things i could be proud of. It was heartbreaking to leave the school, my teacher, my friends and the incredible life there.

But then Sri Ayesha happened. It was a little difficult to fit in at first, but once i started participating in the debate club, i had reasons to start loving the school for giving me great opportunities. It was fantastic to create history in some things, and to become somewhat important. I know it was only because there weren't many students there to begin with, but that's okay because it allowed me to do things for the school to be able to be proud of it. It started out with debate, and later i realised that i was also attached to the teachers and people at Sri Ayesha. Towards the end of my high school days, i was sad to leave it behind.

When you feel hesitant to leave something like that, that's when you know that it meant a great big deal to you and was significant part of your life.

I've only been at Nottingham for one semester, and so far i haven't found a concrete reason to be attached to the place yet. If i left the university now, it wouldn't be so hard to say goodbye because it hasn't grabbed my heart to love it yet. I have some wonderful friends here yes, but perhaps we aren't close enough yet for me to feel an attraction for the place.

I need a drive. I need a reason to love my college. I need to contribute to it somehow, and have a reason to be proud to call myself a student of Nottingham Malaysia. It's hard when there's no debate club here, and i don't feel ready to form one yet since i'm still doing my Foundation studies. I hope i'll be able to actively participate in other clubs and stuff. I know it's going to be tough because there are so many other students here. Heck, i can't even stand out in my academics, being surrounded by so many smart kids under scholarships and who are more hardworking than i am.

I guess this is where i realise that it's what reality is. I still have faith that i'll find my reason to stay and to love. I just hope the reason will reveal itself soon.