i need to find myself

Two years ago, life was more complicated with the silly fights and stuff between me and other people.

Now, life is more complicated because of the battle between me and myself.

Last night i was so, so depressed. I was so down, because i could not figure out my personal purpose in life. I did not know what i would like to base my life upon, so that it would be a motivation for me to do everything that i want or need to do.

Of course our aim is all to achieve Paradise, but the question is how do we play our role as an individual to get that? I've been told that you need a purpose. I'm 17, and i still haven't figured out what mine is yet.

It's SPM this year. Sometimes i'm fine, sometimes i'm absolutely not.

Sometimes i think it's extremely important for me to get those straight A+'s, but sometimes i just don't give a damn.

"You know what your problem is? You don't have a purpose". - Sir Rahman

That hit my like a truck. The worst thing is, i couldn't disagree. Sir said i was scared for SPM, but i shouldn't be. Or maybe i was scared for the wrong reasons, i don't know.

Straightaway after that, i asked Sir Firdaus for my piece of paper from earlier during the year. During our first day of school, Sir told us to write down what our purpose in life is. I had forgotten what i had written, so that was why i needed to see it again.

When i saw it, a part of me was relieved because it was a purpose that did sound like something i could and should do. But at the same time, another part of me had doubts about that purpose. Maybe it was because of the many flaws i own that made me not believe in myself anymore. To achieve my purpose, i would need to become a good person myself. I guess that's what depresses me, the fact that i do not think i can be the best that i can be.

What's stopping me? What am i supposed to do?

Another thing that worries me is the fact that pretty much nobody can understand. I know its selfish to expect others to understand you, while you probably don't even get half of the things that they're going through. But if somebody out there does understand and can tell me how i can deal with this mental insecurity within me, then that would at least relieve the torturing anxiety in my mind. It would tell me that somebody out there can help me, because really right now i don't know how to even help myself.

How do people find their purpose? What had to happen to them in order to finally come across those answers? What do i have to do to find mine?

Am i supposed to be concerned about my SPM like this?

Really these days i don't even know what happiness is, and why it should matter. All those things people get happy about; marriage, love, friends,luxury and all. I don't feel it anymore, i don't feel like i'll be happy. I know it's just because right now i'm in this state where i don't want to care about anything and that when i really experience those things i'll be happy anyway, but i don't know. Last night i just didn't want anything, accept to lay down and sleep in heaven forever.

Even when i'm there, i don't want to do anything yet. I just want  to lay down and not have to care about anything, about needing to reach anywhere. I could sleep forever, and God would still love me.

Then when i am ready, i would ask God to let me watch my life on Earth, and at the end of it i want to directly thank Him for letting me make it to where i am at that time. Then afterwards, i would do everything you can do in Paradise.

Life.

It's unfair for me to say i'm going through deep struggles, because comparing me to the millions of people who are really struggling, my problems are problems they would gladly trade for. Everybody experiences their challenges in life differently, and mine happens to be this at this stage.

It's Ramadhan, and it scares me that i'm feeling so negative like this even without shaytan's influence. 

This is just me.

Am i complicated? Who cares.

I am me, and i don't know who that is.

I need to find my answers soon.