the answers


Maybe i've been thinking too much, but the moment i started to ask myself "why do i study?", it's always bugged me and made me somewhat depressed. I know to many people it might sound silly, because of course we study so that we'll succeed and make our parents proud and yeah all those obvious answers. But to me, i needed to know the real reason, i needed to know more so that i'd be free from the paranoia and free from the guilt and dilemma. I needed to find the answers so that i'd be permanently motivated to succeed.

I found the answers.

The other day i finally had the chance to have a friendly student-teacher talk with my class teacher. I told him i was in a dilemma; i wanted to make my parents and teachers proud of my grades, and i wanted to succeed. I felt guilty because the other day, i had complained to my Ustaz that i could not remember a lot of things i had studied because there was just SO much to study, and i had to sleep at 2am every day during trials to revise everything. My Ustaz said that i was not studying for the sake of seeking knowledge; to please Allah. That was why i was finding it difficult to cope with everything. If i was studying sincerely for Allah, the grades and success would come along with the blessings of the knowledge. So my dilemma was a question to myself; Am i really sincere in gaining knowledge, or am i merely studying to get straight A's and to make my parents proud? I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to do it for both, so it kept bugging me.

My teacher gave me the answers i was looking for.
He said that as a Muslim, it is our duty and responsibility to try our best to succeed. That's why in the call to prayer(azan) we hear five times every single day;  "Hayya 'ala-l-Falah", which in malay means "marilah menuju kejayaan". We are supposed to succeed, or at least do our best in trying to, which in itself is also a form of success. He told me that yes, our main destination is heaven, that it is the greatest success we can get. However, to get there in the first place requires its own steps.  In my case, getting the best results for my SPM would be my step towards success, and since it is a responsibility to reach for it, then i would succeed in carrying out my responsibility. That's first.

Second, it is also our responsibility as a child to make our parents happy, because when they are happy, then surely Allah will be too. I don't want to disappoint my parents, not again. My mum already told me though, that if i tried my best for SPM but don't get good results, then she will still accept Allah's decisions. So i guess i have to do what she wants me to do; to try my best. I know i have the potential to get the best results, although it's tough. The most i can do for her and my dad is try, and i hope my efforts will please Allah because i am trying my best to make my parents happy.

 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar said, "The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent." (Imam al-Bukhari)

Third, i need to study to get wonderful results because of my role in the future. I'm a person who wants to make a difference, who wants to contribute to the ummah and to the society. That's how i see myself being useful and relevant. I may not be able to change the world like the many people who i'm sure you are able to name; but i want to try to at least be one of the people who will make small, important changes. A house is made of many bricks, and each brick makes a significant difference. If i can contribute even a little, then i don't think my life would be a waste, so with those good results it will be much easier for me to play my role. Of course it's also important for me to get all the knowledge from what i study, so that i will be able to use it and implement it in my life sooner or later.

"Sir, do you think i can make it?" - Me
"Yes, of course you can". - Sir Firdaus

It's not that i never believed people when they say that they know i can succeed, it's just that when the words came from someone i really look up to, who has gone through so much and has always been one of the people who inspires me the most; i finally believed it.

"Kamalia, you can be or do anything, your only problem will be choosing what you want to be" - Miss Meier
Her words from 5 years ago still keeps me going, and wow they make so much sense now.

It's amazing to finally have answers. I finally can move forward, towards success.

"Result semua tu kerja Allah. Kerja kamu adalah untuk berusaha bersungguh-sungguh"  - Sir Firdaus.

This is my jihad, this is my step.

Please pray that i'll make it.

P.s. Goodluck to all PMR and SPM candidates, may Allah ease everything for us :)

4 comments:

  1. i've been through the same dilemma. but nowadays it's easy for me to lose myself along the way especially now that i'm in college. terlalu taksub dengan dunia. macam hari hari i kena bangun pagi and tell myself, aku hidup hari ni kerana Allah. a few hours later, i complain about my assignments and my life. *sigh* Kamalia, i wish you the best of luck in SPM, i dont know you but i have a feeling that u r gonna make it. in shaa Allah.

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  2. @nad

    awwh, i've heard that life after school is tougher, its a lot different and the challenges are a lot more difficult. if you still can do that(wake up and tell urself why ur living) even tho you may complain sometimes, then i think ur doing okay, that Allah is still guiding you. I hope He will keep protecting you, insyaAllah. stay strong, sis. i dont know you either, but i have a feeling you'll make it too, to wherever it is you've aimed for, insyaAllah :)

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  3. oh and thank you, your comment made my day <3

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  4. Hai kamalia.i feel you.sebab kita pun mangsa SPM and sometimes all those questions really tak boleh lepas dalam fikiran.bila awak tulis pasal artikel ni,rasa macam nak menangis sebab finally kita pun dah tahu jawapan and jumpa orang yang rasa sama macam kita juga. :')kadang-kadang niat tu tak betul and kita selalu confuse sebab macam mana nak betulkan niat? :( oh,susah sungguh.i wish u all the best in SPM too kamalia :) much love~

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if a house is made from a thousand bricks, then let me be one of those bricks, to help keep the house together, to make a significant difference.

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