alexithymia.

I don't know if this is something normal or not, but most of the time when i'm feeling so many things at once, i end up being really depressed and i don't even know why. That's why sometimes when i may seem troubled or frustrated, i can never really give a specific reason why. It could be because once something ruins my mood, i start thinking about these negative things in my head then more voices just keep making it complicated and eventually one small thing becomes something huge and i'm actually worrying about nothing. I overthink.

Or sometimes, i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel about a certain situation, and so i get a little confused about my emotions and the depression comes again. I get depressed quite easily, huh? Yeah.
Sometimes i think i'm selfish for having some negative feelings towards something, because the nice part of me tells me to not be so judgmental about it. That makes me frustrated too, because now i'm battling with what i really do feel and what i should be feeling. Hmm confusing.
Every time someone asks me 'what's wrong?' i always end up answering ' i don't know '. Because it's true, most of the time i don't know what's wrong with me, or i don't really know how to explain it all. All i know is that i feel terrible about something. I may have a general idea on what i feel bad about, but wondering if i'm even supposed to feel that way about it makes me confused. Then comes another small problem before i even get to figure things out, and the confusion grows.

It's not really healthy. Sometimes i break down because of it. I used to try to tell people about my problems and how i feel and stuff, but for some reason no one truly understands. I'm grateful for some people who are willing to listen, but in the end i don't really end up understanding the feelings, i only feel slightly better. I guess that's a good and bad thing. The good thing is that i temporarily feel better, the bad thing is that it'll come to haunt me again.

It's hard to describe my feelings to other people because i can't even understand them myself.
I try to though. I really want to. I need to understand myself, because nobody else does.
I'll keep praying that someday, somehow, everything finally makes sense.



2 comments:

  1. Hey, that is a good research of yours to find that term. Very commendable act.
    Anyways, if you need a person to talk to, theres always your mom or dad, or your sister, your PINNK friends, or even me.

    Stay strong with your Faith, and Allah will insyaAllah strengthen your heart against the world. : ]

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have you ever feel like,

    you wanna starve yourself?

    I though I was the only who feel like this.
    being insecure bout myself.

    It's unbearable.

    ReplyDelete

 

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