warning: the following post will make me sound like an ungrateful person. Or not. It depends on your perspective after you read it.
I'm (nearly) 18, and i'm still living with my family. I've lived with them my whole life, and the longest i've gone without seeing them is probably less than 2 weeks. I've never been to a boarding school, i've never had to be independent to make myself survive. I have a maid in the house to do the dishes, wash my clothes, and sometimes even do my bed when i forget to do it myself. I've never really had to find my own dinner, and occasionally my mum would still come into my room and tell me to go to bed. I still have a curfew; to be back home before 7pm every day. Basically, i'm very pampered.
I know many people who have been to boarding school or have stayed at their campus in college. Most of them are jealous of how i get to see my family and eat decent food every day, while some others probably look at me with pity, thinking of how pampered and dependent i am. Honestly, right now i couldn't agree more with the ones who feel sorry for me. Perhaps it does make me sound selfish and ungrateful, but i do feel sorry for myself.
My own parents have been away from their family since they were young teenagers, and after high school they both had the opportunity to go study overseas. They both had dreams, they both wanted to explore. Their parents even helped and encouraged them to.
Oh, how jealous i am of them. How unfair it feels to not being given the chance to have my own freedom, even for just a short period of time. From my own calculations, if i keep living with my parents during my tertiary education i'd be living with them until i'm 23 years old at least.
I believe that the difference between me and many others who have also stayed with their parents for as long as they have lived is that they're much closer to their folks than i am to mine. Yes, i love my parents and i know they love me a lot too, but i'd be lying to myself if i said that i'm a golden child or that they understand me as much as i'd like them to.
I know that everything happens for a good reason, and that they have their own reasons for wanting to keep me around under their noses and i know it's not like i'm caged up in the house or whatever. They do give me certain freedom and i do appreciate it.
I just want to know what it feels like to be away from the people you love for a while, to know what its like to miss them and wishing you were with them. I want to know what it's like to miss good food and wishing i was curled up in my own warm bed rather than the unfamiliar ones they have on campus. I want to miss my bathroom, my adorable cats and annoying siblings, my mum's lectures and my dad's randomness. It's a strange thing to ask, but i don't want to feel so limited. I'm in college, but really it doesn't feel so different.
Sometimes you're around the same things for too long until you forget why they are special to you and why you should value them. That's why we generally miss things and people who are away from us, even if it hasn't even been a day or if they're not even that far away. I'm not saying i don't love all of the things i have anymore, but i'd like to have a friendly reminder of why i do love them.
I also wanna know what it feels like to live alone, to be independent, to feel like i could be even slightly ready for the real challenges in life. Everyone else seems to have that freedom and chance. I want it too, even if it's just for a few weeks.
But God is fair even when life seems like it isn't. I know these things, trust me i do. I just need more patience, more trust.
the first tears of June, still fresh.
**Updated an hour later:
Sorry for the negativity of this post. Do take the time to read the first comment posted for this, a wonderful sister gave me some valuable reminders and advice :)
Assalamualaikum, Kamalia. Well, first of all, I guess that you're not alone..
ReplyDeleteI have been and probably still am in the same situation as you. I have voiced out to my parents about wanting 'freedom' but the response that I always receive is that the reason of them doing everything that we deem as 'suffocating' at times is simply because they love us. Initially, I didn't understand any of the rationality behind everything they did but when I look at it from their perspective, they are just trying to be the best parents that they can be. I once argued with my dad about how overprotective both my parents are although I'm already gonna turn 20 next year... Well, my dad's response was 'you girls and ur mother are all that I have in this world and until my very last day, I will be your overprotective father simply because I love you'.
Well, kamalia, all I can say is that we just have to try to view the actions of our parents frm a different perspective. Firstly, remember that not everyone has parents and we don't know when Allah will take them away from us. And, naturally, some day we will have to move out from home kan? So, let's appreciate being around our parents while we can :)
Secondly, Allah is the best of planners. Who knows that the future which awaits us is better than the present that we once dreamt of having? Maybe you are not getting the chance to explore the world right now because something greater has been planned for you, In Shaa Allah. He knows best, kan?
Everything I have said above is a reminder to myself as well. Sometimes, I do get slightly depressed of not being allowed to do certain things by parents. Just read some Quran, pray to Allah and In Shaa Allah, you will get back up smiling :)
Cheer up, sister!
Uhibbukifillah <3
Waalaikumsalam sis,
ReplyDeletemasyaAllah thank you very much for those reminders. i guess i didn't think of looking at it that way, even when i tried to understand. i know its all for the best, but tah i guess something happened just now and naturally i'd think negative first, and later baru those negativity fade. its my way of dealing with my own temporary sadness i guess. alhamdulillah you're helping ease the pain and making me be more redha with the situation :) Despite the negativity of this post, im glad you got to remind yourself about the positivity behind it too, hence sharing it with me. i truly appreciate it, may Allah ease everything for you sis <3
The thing is, I don't hate dogs, only that these stray dogs that lingering around my neighbourhood are kinda dangerous. They sometimes attack my cats to death, and until now, the total of our cats death due to it is 4. We know that 'kittens' are still in their growing up phase (such as climbing, running, etc). I have to admit that I always feel guilty and sad (like seriously very sad) to cage my kitten (a male). But people said, better prepare for the worse. The only thing I could do is to cage my kitten, as for his protection against those dangerous dogs. And even if I want to uncage him for sometime to feel the fresh air and let him learn to run and climb, I would stay near and be around just to be sure. Until the right time then, I promise, I promise, I promise, I will let my kitten (at that time not a kitten anymore, but already a cat) be free.
ReplyDeleteI don't know but I hope you see my point here. And thank you, you've inspired me to write something related to this thingy on my blog. God bless, Kamalia ;)
that is a pretty deep analogy, one really worth thinking about. i guess we should always think of ourselves in those kind of situations to really understand why people do what they do. thank you for reminding me of that :)
ReplyDeleteand that is a great piece of writing, i wish you could leave me a link to your blog so that i could read it. i really appreciate this, thank you and may He bless you too :)