Dear friend, (ii)


I was lost. I felt empty. I felt far from Allah being pleased with me. The worst thing was, i knew i was quite lost, but i did nothing about it, and I hardly felt guilty. That's how lost i was. That's how i was a few hours ago.
I don't know how, i don't know why, but all of that miraculously changed in a split second of realization. It was the most magical thing that has happened to me for a while. So here's what happened.
It was nearly maghrib time and i was still doing pointless things that hardly brought any benefit at all. I knew i should've stopped, but i didn't. It was as if i was listening to every single thing the devil was telling me to do, and i didn't mind. It makes me sound like a terrible servant of Allah, i know. I probably am. But then suddenly, the mosque started to call out the azan for maghrib prayer. I don't know how to explain the next part.
Suddenly, i was overwhelmed with a mountain full of guilt. I felt so terrible for what i had done, and i was afraid that Allah was very, very angry with me. At that moment i was craving to repent for all of my wrongdoings. I felt so small, so vulnerable. I felt like i was nothing. So i went to take my wudhu' and performed my prayers. I felt quite at peace after that, like instantly the emptiness started to fade.
Okay that was only the first part of the miracle.

Later, i had the chance to chat with my best friends, and i told them how much i loved them. At that moment, i felt complete. I felt complete with every single thing Allah has blessed me with. I really did not want to ask for anything more, except maybe the chance to set foot in Makkah. But other than that, i was thankful for everything, especially with the fact that Allah has given me another chance for me to correct my mistakes. I realized i have sinned so much, and that i did not deserve to be forgiven. I felt so small knowing that despite everything that i've done, He still gives me that chance. I felt like Allah had given me that sudden realization, like it was a sign or something. I don't know how to explain it. But basically, my faith in Him definitely increased. Then came the call to prayer for Isya'. And without thinking or realising it, i burst into tears.

To be frank, i have never cried because of the azan, not that i can remember anyway. I never really felt the beauty of it, not like this. It was beautiful, one of the best things i have ever heard. I don't know how to describe what i really felt, but i really felt it. Straight after the azan, i went to perform my prayer before reciting the most beautiful, wonderful and magical book that ever existed. Hardly felt empty after that.

Feeling like you're so close to Allah is indeed the best feeling ever, and nothing much can really bother you once you're in that state. I hope i'll always remember this feeling, and that my faith won't decrease. I don't want to be lost again. Allah has pulled me back on to the right path, and i hope i'll stay on it till the end.

I don't know if you're a Muslim or not or if you can understand Malay, but Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha, my friend :)

Love always.


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